Some recent experiences have forced me to re-think my romantic ideology. Most of my friends would go – romantic?? YOU? But I’m quite a hopeless romantic really, despite appearances. Not exactly Mills and Boon though, more like Bridges of Madison County or Notting Hill even!!
So that’s a sappiness alert for you already, if you are likely to go “urrrghhh” at senti stuff, then stop reading now!! But at the same time, I will try not to make this post an account of my crappy love life but rather about some thoughts I have about the idea of romance in general.
Even as I write this, there’s an interesting film playing in the background, called ‘Before sunrise’…and the female lead just said something that truly hit home. Something about whenever she would start dating someone, she would feel like an army general, trying to manoeuvre a desired outcome, devising strategies and observing moves.
Don’t you feel that we have actually become mechanical about romance in our lives these days? Its about rules that you need to follow, moves that you need to make, a certain way which you need to look and behave like and of course, observe the other party closely to understand their true intentions. The initial interactions with someone that you are attracted to are all about “I should try and maintain some mystery or he’ll lose interest” or “Can’t call too often or pick up the phone in a hurry or he might think I’m desperate.” And trust me, this is not limited just to women who read books like “10 sure-shot ways of hooking a man”. This is a widespread phenomenon. And perhaps men think a thousand things like these too, but I don’t know a lot about that.
SO, my point being, wasn’t this whole thing supposed to be about sudden chemistry, endless conversations, the thought of someone bringing an inadvertent smile to your face, laughing together and someone you can reach out to without a second thought? Yes I know, you don’t find someone like that easily…but these days we seem so scared to start feeling for the wrong person, we’re not ready to give even half a chance to the POSSIBILITY of falling in love. (For that matter, ‘falling in love’ has become this laughable, old fashioned fairy tale concept for so many, as if it existed a thousand years ago.)
So you might feel like being with someone but what if it goes wrong and hurts you like last time, so better to stay out of trouble. Attempts at seeking relationships are a matter of making fun now and everyone’s out to prove how ‘practical’ they are. And even for those not avoiding relationships, it’s about keeping it ‘cool’. Women want immediate commitment and men want immediate sex. We’re so stuck in these stereotypes that women are almost scared to mention anything resembling ‘long-term’ for fear of the guy running away and men who might have totally justifiable romantic and sexual feelings towards their partner feel compelled to sugar-coat everything so that it doesn’t seem like they want to take advantage. I see this sort of thinking around me again and again, and frankly, it often makes me despair. We were not supposed to live by rules so much that we forget the power of experience! And instinct! The loud cynicism of the information age seems to have drowned the racing of the heart beat…
“I don’t love as you as if you were the salt rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire….
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.”
I doubt if Pablo Neruda could have written those lines while wondering if his lady love had ‘commitment issues’. To me, the whole point of trying to walk the ‘men are from mars and women are from venus’ tightrope, is to feel something like this. Don’t you think?
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